Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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