i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
