Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
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