Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
either way he was missing a nipple.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
