thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
