I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
