If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
