I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
