not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
