You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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