too bad you live with your parents still
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
