Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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