You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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