lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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