Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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