Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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