1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
