i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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