i barfeds in our rink
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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