Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
