How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Your cock deserves a montage
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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