i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
