she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
