dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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