Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I pour the whiskey from now on
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
