After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
