She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
