i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
