for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
