I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
