fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
