Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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