sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
