a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
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Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
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They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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