i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
