I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
