i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
