So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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