Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
