Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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