We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
