I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
