I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
