Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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