Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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