Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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