just come out here and I will go home with you...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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