I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
