Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
