They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
