dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
