All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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