Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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