we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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