he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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