do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
