Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
