i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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