so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize