I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
