I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
