Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
